Imagine you’re attending a dinner and the subject of relationships is brought up. The collective groan is heard when someone asks “What’s secret to a successful marriage?” Everyone has an opinion but no one knows the real secret to Connections Counseling Services.

I have seen it all as a marriage and family counselor. I’ve seen it all. From couples that communicate only with eye rolls, to families who could rival soap operas. I’m going to share some pearls of wisdom with you that may help you avoid those relationship landmines.

Let’s start with communication. Not the kind you nod at while scrolling down Instagram. Real communication is like playing catch: you throw, they catch, and they throw, so that you can catch. Simple? Sure. Easy? Easy?

Imagine Sarah and John. Sarah feels neglected by John’s excessive work hours. John is told “You don’t care about me.” John gets defensive, and argues that he works hard to ensure their future. A classic misfire! He threw his frustration back instead of catching the thing Sarah had thrown (her feelings).

Here’s how it works: Listen first and respond second. Repeat what your partner has said before adding your own two cents. The magic words are “I hear that you feel neglected when I am late.”

Let’s now switch to conflict resolution. Have you ever noticed how arguments can spiral out of hand faster than a sugar-fueled toddler? People fight more to win than to resolve problems. Newsflash! Winning an argument often means losing peace or trust.

Let’s take my clients Emma and Mike, for example. They fought about everything, from dirty dishes to plans for the weekend. But they soon realized that their fight was more about validation than anything else.

Setting ground rules worked well. No name-calling. No bringing up mistakes from the past. And definitely no storming off in mid-conversation.

Let’s talk about family dynamics, because they can be a real mess! Imagine a spider’s web, where each thread is interconnected. That’s how family life works.

Lisa was overwhelmed by the schedules of her children, but Dave didn’t seem to notice her level of stress. Lisa, instead of stewing in resentment as she initially did (which was what she did), finally spoke up and asked for help.

Dave’s response was better than expected, because… The people don’t read minds! Speak out if you want support or a change in your family. Be clear and kind.

Humor is also underrated in relationships. Think of it as WD-40 to human connections. It releases tensions beautifully. A couple that I worked with used humor to combat stressors such as financial worries or parenting challenges. They even made inside jokes during their therapy sessions.

Self-care is not selfish, it’s vital! After all, you can’t pour out of an empty cup. It’s important to maintain balance, sanity and harmony in your life.

Finally, and this may sound cliche, but gratitude will go a long way in overcoming any complaint! Recognizing each other’s achievements regularly creates positive reinforcement that is stronger than any argument.

Next time you’re asked about secrets of relationships at a hypothetical dinner party, you will have plenty to say (and perhaps even spare them future eye rolls). We thrive when we understand each other deeply, but also live day-to-day with love sprinkled liberally throughout.